WHO ARE YOU, WHEN YOU CAN’T DO ANYMORE WHAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN DOING?
That was the question for such a long time. I planned my future at my very young age. Until I met Lyme disease. This killing bastard who set my life upside down in a minute.
I used to be a dancer, but my body was not able anymore to function in any sportive way. My life turned into a horizontal position with the four walls called home, as my best friends. That was the point where I started to question myself: who are you when you can’t do the things anymore, you always have been doing? Who are you without tags to describe yourself being ‘daughter, student, dancer, teacher, wife’ etcetera? I became just… me. Me being sick.
That was it.
It took me about 12 years to figure out there are more possibilities, when I take the chance to think about it in a creative way. Even when my illness structured my life for about 99 percent, I am not my disease. And I should be not my disease. Ever.
After 12 years of struggling. Not accepting the fact I have this illness, fighting against this thing I didn’t want, I realized I had to cuddle it. I had to cuddle every single part of being me, with all the things it has. And I realized, I could keep fighting against this illness, not wanting this and pretending my illness will fade away when I hold on not accepting it. But in fact, my Illness took the biggest part of my life because I gave it so much attention by fighting against it every day.
The day I decided to accept my illness, was the day I started to live. I promised myself from now on, I will only do the things I love and I will find a new way to fullfill my life. Yet, I didn’t know how. But I knew I should.